View Full Version : My journey out of the fog (diary)
I've decided that it would be beneficial for me to record my experiences as I go through this process of quitting cannabis. For myself, doing it publically somehow makes it more real for me and encourages me to stick to it. I also hope that my experiences will benefit others. I've never found much in the way of stories of people who successfully quit cannabis. So thought I would try to make my own.
This is day 3. The insomnia is already starting to kick in. All I could do last night was lay down for a few hours and drift in and out of that sorta half dreaming phase. Not so much fun. I just keep reminding myself that I’ll have to go through this withdrawal stuff sometime, and may as well get it over with once and for all instead of going through these early stages over and over again.
I’m still feeling very positive and overall strong and confident in my decision. I did have some bad cravings earlier today. Basically just toughed it out. One benefit of the insomnia meant that I managed to take a nap for a couple hours and shook off those feelings. I keep telling myself that every time I have a craving and get over it, I’m taking another big step towards achieving my goal and get more experience resisting the urge.
Yesterday I made a post “some good/links info”, which included this guide to quitting that I really like http://www.droginfo.com/pdf/guideuk.pdf It includes some questions/exercises, and I thought I’d share my answers here. Both for my benefit and hopefully others too.
Here we go…
WHY DO I USE CANNABIS?
Give three reasons, why you are smoking cannabis:
1. to dull my emotions
2. to sleep
3. to avoid people or work
Which joint is the most important one during a normal day?
Answer: before bed (but worst craving is after work)
Do you have to smoke a joint before you watch a movie, socialize with friends or when you want to listen to music?
Answer: Somewhat for movies and music, not so much for socialising, but a lot for computer games
My comments: This is fairly basic stuff, but I find it critical to keep these things in mind so I can be aware of situations and feelings that are risky to me and consider how I could react in advance. Often it only takes seconds for me to fail, so the more prepared I am the better
WHY SHOULD I QUIT?
Give three reasons, why you should quit right now:
1. to better take care of my life, my kitties and my grandma
2. improve my happiness, self-esteem and relationships with people
3. to save money so I can make some of my dreams come true
My comments: I made sure to answer in the positive to keep the focus on the benefits of quitting, instead of the negatives of continuing to smoke. Focusing on negatives tends to make me feel bad about myself and discouraged in general, which puts me in the mood to smoke in order to dull those negative feelings. Simply keeping my eye on the carrot, not looking back at the stick and anticipate getting smacked.
Which are the conditions you need to stop using cannabis?
1. to believe that smoking dope is simply not an option for me
2. to focus on the positive things about quitting not the negative
3. to stop believing that being a pothead is part of who I am
My comments: I hadn’t thought of this one before, but I find it very useful. The whole concept of smoking simply not being an option has been the most effective way to look at it, not let my brain even start that debate. I also think it’s critical to stop identifying myself as a smoker, to look at it as something I do not part of who I am.
Well, that’s enough for now. I think it’s best to take small bites and digest them, making sure I don’t spend too much time with dope on my mind in any shape or form. Life is full of many other things. Of course I want to stop smoking, but in the bigger picture I want a better life for myself and that’s the real goal, not smoking is just another step in the right direction.
Thanks for reading :)
At this stage, I consider every day an accomplishment. What hurts are those times when I'm doing something perfectly normal... like today was just reorganising some miscellanous stuff I had laying around, went to put on some music, then sat down on the couch and on automatic pilot reached over to the to table where i usually keep my stash... huh? where's my papers?... oooooh yeeea, we aren't smoking anymore, that's where they went! ouch. lol.
That was more amusing than the cravings I had later in the day. But I did make one very important discovery... i'm addicted to nicotine too! I'm used to smoking spliffs made with tobacco, and even though I do the little toasting thing, must still be a lot of nicotine left over. Had a couple cigs and calmed down... tomorrow I go buy some nicotine gum! (Cigs are especially bad cos I inhale way too deeply out of habit.) God knows I don't need nicotine withdrawl on top of everything else. Sheesh. Can't believe I didn't think of that before, but just don't usually smoke cigs, only roll with them, so didn't occur to me. Valuable info though, hope it will make some of those tough moments a little easier.
Been getting back into my workout routine which feels good, those endorphins help chill me out. Helps if I keep doing things, just not so much that i get stressy.
I must say, getting this tattoo to mark the day I had my last smoke as been really helpful. Big reinforcement to the "not an option" concept. I just look at it and feel like 'no fucking way am i going blow this'. I love this tattoo and want it to always symbolise something good. It just stops me in my tracks from having that dangerous little 'maybe just this time' debate with myself.
I'm exhausted from not sleeping, my brain is kinda in stand-by mode, so that's it for today...
bud free
04-15-2008, 05:30 PM
i think writing is a great idea. 'specially when you get the itch! just wait until the dreams start! they will be loud and intense and a-bit scary at first but ride them out. also get as active as you can. get your muscles working and become more aware of your physical being or should i say, well being.
I appreciate the encouraging words Bud Free! :) I was starting to feel a bit lonely here.
I realised I have even more reason to be proud of these 5 days out off the fog... because during this time I have been off work and just have been hanging out. and those times have been extremely hard for me in the past. When I have quit this long before I was always working a lot or travelling, so the opportunities for temptation were signifigantly less. I did make that month a few years back, but buired myself in work, and that made it easier not to smoke.
Hardest part of the day was when I got really pissed off about something, perhaps even overreating a bit, and those situations are very difficult for me. I sat stewing and craving for about an hour, then decided to go on a bike ride just to break the tension. Got pretty exhausted, so was able to take a little nap and afterwards I was able to consider the things I was pissed about with more objectivity. A more positive experience than getting high to black things out. Yay me! :)
Bud Free mentioned dreams, I know that will get really hard. I think my subconscous is trying to prepare me. So far have had 2 dreams, both where I found some dope around the house that i'd forgotten about. In the first one I was very tortured, and mentally broke down and decided to smoke it, only then I couldn't find it again. Second one started out similarly, but this time I wasn't so tortured and could resist the temptation. I think that was pretty good result overall.
Time to go get some rest. Good luck to the rest of you who are trying, or even thinking, about quitting! :)
WooHoo! It's been a week I can't believe it! :D
I'm not going to write much now. I'm not sure if it has to do with quitting or not but people are pissing me off big time right now. It's unbelievable how annoying people can be!! Like one well-meaning friend of mine, when I told her about the tattoo, she's "aw, it's not that big a deal, is it?" WTF? Not that big of deal? I've been trying to quit for 10 years, ten damn years of failure... is that not really a big deal? I HATE how people don't want to believe it's so bad, it's like they think I'm above being addicted. I wonder how bad things would have to get for them to believe it? Really. Grrrrr... it's sooooooooo annoying. I've changed my mind on legalisation... they should only do that when people will accept it's addictive. Screw all that medical crap too.... sure, lots of sick people would feel better high, but it ain't some miracle drug. Ha, enough people have smoked it for so long that if it had such great curative effects, it'd be obvious by now. Oh well better stop there, before people start flaming me. I can't explain myself well when i'm this mad.
Ok... now I will go work out and sweat some more of this crap out of my body. I'm so sick of it. I smoked so damn much, I'm still getting those little tinglely waves of feeling like i'm stoned. Don't even like it any more. Makes me i'll how much of my life i've wasted. :mad:
I realized some of my emotional reaction has to do with the fact that i have bipolar disorder and quitting upset my stability, so have been going a bit manic. i think it's getting better now, at least i know what it is anyway, and that helps.
Overall I feel better than I ever have before about quitting. When it gets really tough, it helps me a lot to just think... I can't stand to have to go through this ever again, and if i smoke now I ensure that i will (well unless i just never quit again).
I'm going to be out travelling for work and a little fun for the rest of april, which in many ways is easier than sitting at home. I could surely find dope if I wanted, but even when I was smoking... don't really bother with it when I travel. Not sure why, but not complaining.
Sleeping sucks, but I just stick to a reasonable schedule and lay in bed and rest or read if nothing else. I was overly optimistic that I would be less of a procrastinator when not smoking, but old habits are hard to break. And, realistically, i think gradual changes are more likely to last. (especially for a mood swinger). Been exercising everyday, took a nice bike ride to the beach... springtime in scandinavia is a beautiful thing. :)
Today I had a helpful realization... after smoking for so many years, the whole sorta 'stoner perspective' becomes kind of built in... but the 'good' part the giggling with my friends at 7-11 buying munchies and just generally goofiness and feeling in a slightly different world from everyone else. I mean there are parts of that which are so fun and have been a big part of my life. I think I've been afraid that quitting dope would mean i'd lose that part of me somehow. For better or worse, I wouldn't rewrite my past and replace those stoney high school days with something more responsible. Have some really awesome memories, I hope i never lose. And today I realised I don't necessarily have to lose that fun part of myself cos I stop smoking. I'm still a big goofball, that's not gonna change. I think I've partially been scared of stopping cos I was scared of losing not just that silliness, but my youth. (I'm in my 30s) I like a bit of immaturity in my life, but now I'm starting to feel like I can still have those feelings and experiences and not get high. This is a pretty big revelation for me. I always kinda knew those fears were part of the reason it was hard, but hadn't really put it all together before.
Exaggerating for fun... "hey! i can still be a stoner and not get stoned! yay!" lol. I mean.. The simpsons is still funny. Coco Puffs are still fun to eat. I still can act stupid with my buddies, have people shake their heads at us, then laugh even harder. It's all good. Maybe I've just smoked so much i've messed up my brain chemistry or whatever... but so what? I like my brain how it is now. Even if I could, I actually don't want to "overhaul my engine", I'd just like a good "tune-up."
Well, anyway... probably won't post for a bit, but not cos i've given up or messed up. But I'll be back. Best wishes to you all. :)
I'm back and still doing well, all things considered.
I had a really emotionally taxing trip to the us. Stayed at two of my friend's places that smoke weed occasionally. Had asked them previously to not smoke around me, which they had no problem with. i didn't even find myself craving much, just happy with my decision not to smoke anymore. I was amazed one day when I realised I had actually forgotten there was weed in the house. That kinda thing has never happened before. So the trip was good as far as not smoking goes.
I was really drained both emotionally and physically when I got home, and for some reason i'm not really sure of, I bought a joint (skunk and tobacco) and smoked about half of it, then threw it out. Jesus god, it fucked me up so bad, my motor skills were so shot i crashed my bike in to a brick wall after riding like a 100 meters, banged up my knee and was so dizzy i had to sit down for a while. Walked my bike for a bit then tried to ride it again (bad decision) I was convinced i'd damaged my bike cos i kept veering off to the right and almost crashed a couple other times before i got home. The next day I discovered the bike was just fine. Scared the crap out of me. I used to smoke like 6 to 12 of those kinda joints a day, and wouldn't even feel that stoned. I didn't expect anything that severe. It wasn't even from just being stoned, something neurological was going on. Now I really don't want to smoke again, it's just totally self-destructive for me. I wish I hadn't done it, but a serious lesson at least. My worst memory of being stoned ever, and I believe and hope with all my heart it will be my last.
Unfortunately I have had a pretty crappy couple weeks... got kinda drunk one day and smoked some and the chain reaction started and been back to smoking scary amounts everyday, and telling myself this is the last day everyday. God this is horrible, so bummed with myself. I realized I don't even like being truely stoned anymore. I just like the numbness you get from smoking so much you can barely get high anymore. Ah well, stopping again now though... again, again, again. god I hope this is the last time.
God damn, quitting just sucks. Seems harder this time around. I think about it all the time. I don't even wanna get high. I just want to smoke so much that my brain turns to jelly and I can't feel anything. But god do I have to spend a lot to do that now, when i'm smoking it takes a few grams a day. That's why even though I make good money I'm still broke all the time. But none of those arguments work on me most of the time since this point smoking is basically self-destructive for me.
I dunno, I think the only thing that inspires me to quit is how much I'm missing out on in life cos I'm stoned all the time. But that's kinda scary too. Ah well, better get back to work and pretending i'm a responsible sort of person.
bud free
05-27-2008, 07:37 PM
had kinda same situation a few weeks back. for no real reason i took a couple hits from some pot at party and was so dizzy i could not drive home for an hour! talk about perspective! it really scared me. don't fuck yourself over trying to over think it, just pick yourself up and keep moving forward. this is a long road we are taking and you are not alone!
Thanks budfree. :) i'm getting to feel back on track now. still bummed i got off track, but after over 20 years of smoking, it may have been too optimistic to expect no setbacks. it is a journey though, and one i'm certainly not giving up on. the fact that after stopping for a while, then starting again and experiencing how and how much weed affects me. how its not even fun anymore only makes me more determined. i suppose i also need to expect some ups and downs with this.
Dammit. I'm just hopeless. After I blew it with that half-joint, it's gone downhill so fast. I'm up to spending like 40 bucks a day now. I have a good job obviously, but my bank account sure doesn't reflect it. It's crazy. It just gets worse and worse. I'd say I wouldn't think it was physically possible for me to smoke more, but I've thought that before. I'm just so depressed now it's hard to care about anything. I still try hard to quit every single day though. So I guess I haven't given up completely. Maybe next time, I'll have some better news to write about.
bud free
06-26-2008, 01:26 PM
hey i understand and hope you don't give up on yourself! This is a very difficult thing we are doing and it is going to take a long term effort! in the last month I've bought 2bags of pot and thrown them away so i know the temptation that never quite goes away. Just remember your goal is to live a happier and healthier life. keep plugging away!!!
juniemoon
06-26-2008, 10:24 PM
our drug of choice is not the same but i am compelled to respond because we are both in early stages of getting clean and reclaiming our lives and ridding our brains of chemicals which make us slaves to our addictions. i hope i can help you by listening,responding,just being out here taking it one day at a time i am here if you need someone to offer support during your darkest moments... we are really alone in our battles but having someone who is out there who knows how alone you feel does help us some i think. stay strong and good luck.
Thank you both. It does help, and I'm not giving up. I can't do that now. At this point, I'm doing nothing more than punishing myself. I know it, yet it continues. It's just so easy to say "ah, fuck it" sometimes. Im paying some price for my punishment now. My asthma is flaring up bad (yep, i got asthma from smoking) and now Im sick with some lung and chest crap that may not come directly from smoking, but smoking so very much gets me clogged up, which of course makes it easier to catch stuff. I doubt it's coincidence that Ive had pnuemonia 3 times in two years. It just sick. WTF? I'm really not that much of an idiot. Right now I need to somehow snap myself out of this guilt cycle. I do remember I was much happier not smoking. I even lost the urge, not quite sure what happened to screw things up. Just a moment of weakness I suppose. Oh well, I have a fever and should lay down. There is a little good in being sick, it's physically hard to smoke and this whole business is really starting to disgust me.
EDIT: I think I was being too harsh about the pneumonia. Another reason I've gotten it so many times is because it never got treated properly. Doctors here are very uptight about prescribing antibiotics. (I could get stong pain meds more easily. Seriously.) So, they would only put me on pennicillin for a few days, then left me to get over it naturally. Stupid hippie medicine. I had sinus infection for 4 months too. That was fun. So, while I'm sure smoking has something to do with my being sick so much, it's not only that reason. I think it mainly just leaves me more vunerable.
juniemoon
07-05-2008, 02:43 AM
akn i hope you are staying strong and beating the crazy monkey we live with on our backs. i am thinking this website could use alot more people giving feedback to poeople who post. sometimes we are not allowed by our crazy lives to go to rehabs and if you are like me you searched out to find support and response. thats why i wanted to say im here and if you need to ever just talk i am here. good luck every day a new day to get clean and beat the addiction that chews away at the fabric of our souls. junie
thanks junie. i've been having some good days and some bad days, which i guess is at least better than all bad days.
this forum activity kinda supports what i've suspected of marijuana addiction, which is.... very few people are susceptible to it but for the ones that are it's really really addictive. weed has always 'fit' my brain in a way it never did for my friends. don't most people who've smoked know or have known that guy or girl who was almost always stoned, could smoke everyone under the table, and yet functioned relatively ok? don't they usually also keep on smoking when everyone else grows out of it? i don't think it's always so noticeable because those same people are also pretty fun to be around (before they smoke too much and zombie out). but unless that person is really close to and honest with someone, the fact that it's destroying them can be really hard to spot. yet it's incredibly easy to find someone to say weed isn't addictive and nothing to worry about. and if the seems to be a problem almost every single other smoker will say 'cut down' before 'cut it out'. it can be really really hard to find someone (who isn't waving the paranoid 'gateway drug' flag) to say that it's important to quit.
while politically i'm for legalizing it, i'm really sick of this 'holy herb' crap and the legalize it crowd quickly dismissing any idea that it might be addictive. personally i think any mind-altering drug can become addictive and all his hair-splitting over defining 'addictive' doesn't help anyone. it's really annoying to finally admit to yourself that cannabis is a real problem, only to not have many people take you seriously. then those that do are usually deep in the "all drugs are bad all the time for everyone" camp and almost impossible to relate to. It's one big fat grey area, there is very little black and white in the spectrum. But that's true of so many things, scary how polarized the world is becoming.
well that's my slightly repetitive little rant for the day. :)
juniemoon
07-08-2008, 08:09 PM
im still hear and im still listening... im happy you are being strong...and i read your little rants and it makes me feel less alone..take care of yourself and i will always be here your words will not go empty into the night.junie
Well, yet again I'm "getting serious". lol. I've been a yo-yo the past weeks. Go off for a day or two, then binge like mad, ad infinum. It's getting so hard to take myself seriously when I quit. Just feel like laughing it seems so absurd. I just like that comfortably numb feeling. Sometimes, many times, I really don't want to do anything productive. I just want to do nothing and let the hours go by. But, if I'm not stoned, I'll feel obligated to do stuff I'd rather not do and it stresses me out. Annoying.
bud free
09-01-2008, 01:34 PM
howdy , AKN and all even tho i have not posted in awhile, i'm am still checking in. AKN try and make it two steps foward. gotta run as i am in and about to board.