How Did I Let This Go This Far

[Can't tell the world]

I just joined this site today because I must! I am in my late twenties and generally I live a very blessed life. I have beautiful twins that are a year old, an amazing husband, wonderful family and friends, a job that is just too good to be true... but if everyone knew the truth it would all change.

I have been smoking pot since I was 15 and since I graduated high school in 1999 it has been daily. I can quit if the need arrises but the cause must be severe. I quit when I have needed to get a job in the past and I quit when I was pregnant but the minute it is "safe" to smoke then everything goes right back to the way it was.

I am back to smoking morning, noon, and night and I just can't do this anymore. I feel so guilty and ashamed! I get up early so I can smoke before the kids get up. I don't run errands at lunch cause then I wouldn't have time to go home and smoke. I have even found myself in the garage smoking with the monitor while my kids play in the playroom. I mean come on dumb ass! I work full time and only spend time with my kids before and after work and on the weekends. Why would I waste one moment in the garage when I could be spending that time with them.

I even go so far as to keep scope, a wash cloth, soap, a clean shirt, etc by the kitchen sink so my kids never smell anything on me. Why will I go through so much to smoke when it would be less time consuming to stop.

I start every morning saying I am not going to smoke today. Then I always end up smoking sometime before I leave. It is just ridiculious!!! Almost all my friends smoke and it is one of the major things we all do together. My husband doesn't really smoke much anymore but he drinks heavily. He can't smoke because of his job and it makes him sleepy now. We both enable each other; if I am going to get a sack then I pick him up some beer on the way home so I don't feel as guilty. We both have talked about this all before but I don't know what it is going to take to change.

We went on a quitting spree a while back and did not even make it a week w/out being at each others throat. I am very OCD and take Lexapro religiously to control my ocd. I think in a way I self medicate with pot to keep myself calm. I need to go to a doctor or counselor or something but I can't. I am the upstanding middle class mother of twins and no one other than my friends and husband knows the truth.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I can rationalize anything and for that reason I don't know what to do. I don't want to be one of those mothers! I don't want to be the reason my kids smoke. I want them to fear drugs, alcohol, and cigs like any sane person should. No one in my family has ever done any of the things I do but I was a very fat and unhappy child from a broken family and my stoner friends were the only accepting people when I was young so that is where I turned.

I always thought I would just move on and grow out of it but instead it has went the other way. My best friend and I even have a plan if anything were to happen to one of us the other would go and get everything out of the house before parentals or others found anything. I will not let me kids grow up seeing me addicted to anything especially not weed.

What is it going to take! I feel impowered now but the min I get home and the kids are in bed I will be back in the garage with a jay and a cig.

God can someone help me!!!!!

[bud free]

wow, i think the best thing for you may be to try AA! there maybe a narcotics version near you and even a marijuana group if you are in a large enough city. the pot may not be as bad as the way you feel about it and yourself and it sounds like you could use some more regular support! give it a shot and try not to be so critical about your self ONE DAY AT A TIME!

[Mommyto2girls00]

I smoked weed daily from age 14 to 21. At 21, I became pregnant with my first child. I didn't want to quit... I knew I needed to but did not have the desire. Then the guilt kicked in. I felt selfish. My baby didn't ask for this. She doesn't deserve a parent that would put their addiction before their kids.

After realizing this, I decided to quit. I slowly cut back, no smoking in the morning. Then no smoking until after dinner. I started setting little rules for myself, sort of competing against myself. I also found a song (Kenny Chesney "Some People Change"). When ever I felt the urge to smoke, I would listen to it... sometimes over and over. I would distract myself with different activities. I also think about this line from the movie 28 days "It's not a way to live, it's a way to die." Obviously you won't die from marijuana but it's not a way to live your life.

I hope this helps you. Good Luck.

[jenny]

No one can help you if don't help yourself. Even God helps those who help themselves. So give yourself an honest try and I'm sure that you will win.