Day one of giving up Dope - from Auckland, New Zealand

[MuminNewZealand]

Hi, i just joined this forum today (the only one I subscribe to at all). I have decided to give up smoking marijuana. I have two children, and am a stay at home Mum. I am studying a Bachelor of Arts from home.
I have been smoking pot on and off for 13 years. I used alot harder drugs when I was in my teens, and then met my (now husband) when I was 19 and we both decided to 'go straight'. We travelled around Europe for 3 years, and the only thing we allowed ourselves to do was smoke dope. Baring in mind we gave up methamphetamine, speed, LSD, and cocaine (and anything else we could get our hands on) we thought this was a pretty safe option.
I found out I was pregnant at 23 and we both moved back to Auckland, New Zealand to get 'serious'. We got married, and have since had another child.
I gave up smoking pot through both my pregnancies, and to be honest, found it rather easy. My husband and I started smoking again about 10 months ago, and now we smoke every day. I have very strict rules I adhere to - I don't EVER smoke around my kids, never ever in the day, and nobody (apart from my sister who gets it for us) knows that we smoke. All we do is have a quiet joint after the kids go to bed (and then maybe another before we go to bed) and to be honest, I have always enjoyed it.
So, why do I want to give up?? Because I have this niggling suspicion that I am not going to reach my goals whilst I smoke it. It is also very expensive, and the thought of my kids ever knowing I smoke it makes me feel physically sick. I hardly drink alcohol, and have given up smoking cigarettes 4 months ago, so dope is it for me. I am a highly strung person and suffered post natal depression after my first son was born, I used pot to actually destress and it worked. I guess it is like saying goodbye to an old friend but the problem is I am only half bought into 'giving it up'. I am sure that the half that is saying 'it's okay, its your only vice' 'nobody knows' 'you are still getting A's in your degree papers' is the addicted 'in denial' side. The trick is trying to fight this side. I am really truly scared that my kids will find out some day and the thought that I am not being the best mother I can be truly petrifies me (I am even disgusted putting that thought into the universe). The way I gave up smoking/drugs and lost over 30 kilos in weight was to BE HONEST with myself and consciously FACE my thoughts. I am finding this hard to do with dope....my mind puts up really fantastic arguments to have another joint. I am already considering having one tonight, just as a last goodbye.
I'd love to talk to others out there, I can't share this with anyone else, but my husband is overwieght, and I am really worried he will die from a heart attack / or something equally awful from smoking dope / getting the munchies / stressing out over smoking dope money etc.
please help!
Am I right in giving up?

[bud free]

Hello and welcome,
First i don't know you, but i bet you are being a great mother. however the reasons that you state yourself are the real reasons you likely should stop. You sound like you want to! Talk the husband into planning long family trip thru Europe and show the kids what you saw, use the money you save on pot. Also try and replace the evening buzz-time with something you both find fun and stimulating. Try and look at this as something you are gaining, not something lost.
I'm not sure if I'm striking the right tone here, but,
Have faith in yourself if what you want is to stop.
Good luck and again,
welcome

[MuminNewZealand]

Thank u so much bud free. I try really really hard at being a good mum, it is my number one priority, and like you say, i do want to stop, I am just scared of missing out on something I guess, or not having that one 'vice' or 'release' anymore. it feels like I don't have anything to look forward to once the kids have gone to bed. That sounds so sad!
How about you? how long have you been bud free?
You definitely struck a chord with me. THANK YOU.

[AKN]

I think you sound pretty sorted out about it. It seems to me that if you spends considerable time debating about whether or not to quit something, it's probably a good idea to at least try out quitting for a while. I would just most highly recommend skipping the goodbye joint. I've smoked more of those than I can count; they actually seem better than normal joints. But I am a kind of a worst case scenario. No one should end up like me, not even me. Hopefully that's changing though.

Glad to have a new member, welcome and best wishes. :)

[MuminNewZealand]

I have just reread my post about giving up - would you believe I have continued to smoke. The day we decided to give up my sister just 'called round' with some dope for us. We justified that this meant that we would give up after that particular bag. Two bags later we are still going strong.
On every other angle in my life I am a rational together strong willed human being. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I kick this? Do i subconsciously not really want to?

[AKN]

Hi, I hope you're doing ok and haven't given up. Giving up is much worse than failing. Can't fail without trying! Also can's succeed of course either. One less joint is even better than one more.

These are the things I tell myself anyway... helps me sometimes when i'm doing badly.

[jenny]

I feel happy at the good thought of quitting smoking. But I will be more happy if you put your thought into action.