Wondering if it's time....

[koan]

30 was the landmark year that I was going to quit smoking. Or at least that was what I told myself all throughout my twenties. A couple of months away from my 31st birthday, I look back and realize that I've spent the last 12 years completely high nearly all the time, every day. I don't even want to consider the cumulative financial drainage.

Some evaluative time (stoned of course) has made me realize that I am not the same person I used to be. I avoid people and resent being made to "do things" that require deviating from my schedule of getting high. I avoid most social functions and avoid leaving the house as much as possible. My wild enthusiasm and energy for trying to get things done, although at times were manic, has nearly completely disappeared and I am depressed, completely apathetic and miserable about the fact that I can't seem to change my life or situation for the better.

I'm thankful, so very thankful to the positive things that I attribute to being in a fog for the last decade. It's frightening to think of what would have become of me had I not developed this double-edged habit. I am grateful that being high has led me to a place of relative stability and sanity in my life where I can cope at the level where I can, at the very least, appear rational and composed.

But I'm not the same and I wonder what I could have done had I not ever discovered becoming a stoner.

Nearly at the end of my stash now, and right before the stage where I start rearranging my finances to make room for my habit. Before the cravings and the irritability start, I'm wondering if it's time to quit....

[AKN]

hey i relate to a lot of what you are saying. when you talk about the benefits of being in a fog... do you happen to have bipolar disorder (if that's too personal, i totally understand) Just curious because I do have bipolar, and while the stability provided by being stoned all the time isn't a 'real' stability. i often feel the mild depression to be a relief from the more extreme ups and downs i'd have otherwise. (i do take normal mood stabilisers and stuff, but they arent magic like in the movies.)

Anyway, I turn 39 (uuugggghhhhggghh) at the end of the month and i'd put together some non-foggy days before then. i'd love to be off dope for a year when i hit 40. (uughh)

Good luck to you. :) Let us know how it goes...

[koan]

Thanks for responding. Too personal? No. Bipolar? Probably. It's a term I've heard for a long time being thrown around me. My sister is supposedly bipolar and takes lithium to manage it. I never bothered to try to get diagnosed or wanted to look into because it was always enough to get high. Even through my two year long love affair with coke and harder substances, the trees were always my parachute. They eased me down and when life had me feeling nearly insane, it gave a softer focus to the harsh realities. Manageable. Comfortably numb.

Congratulations on your decade long abstinence. Did you find the last decade more productive and rewarding than the former one?

My sister still smokes pot mainly when I'm around. She tries not to and doesn't usually acquire it herself, but if it is around, she becomes compulsive and affixed with crazy glue to the pipe, wanting to take hits all the time, at work, before work, lunch, etc. It's irrational. You can't get away with being stupid in corporate america all the time for too long. Someone will eventually notice. But she consistently rationalizes trying to use small and controlled amounts for stress maintenance, but is quickly reminded that she can't control herself. She would probably find herself in the bathroom trying to get the roach odor off her fingers during a corporate luncheon. I'm a little more subtle, but I guess degrees don't matter.

I'm not ready quite just yet. Perhaps the day after my 31st. It's frightening to think of the identity shift, time gaps, energy level changes, and mood control (or lack thereof) that I'll have to adjust to.

Warm wishes for your continued success!

[AKN]

Oops.... misunderstanding. i'm still struggling with quitting. i wish i had a decade behind me. or at least more success. i bet this is the hardest thing i'll probably ever do. i'd bet it would be for most 20+ year chronic 'chronic' smokers.

With at least some "mood-swinginess" in your family, watch out for that. It helps me to remember to focus on 'managing' my mood instead of 'controlling' them. Smoking for me is a lot about controlling how i feel. Even if being stoned doesn't feel good, it was a my choice, not something my crazy brain thrust upon me.

(If your sister can take lithum, smoke dope, and still function... must be bipolar. Normal people would be drooling.)

[jenny]

There is no fixed time for quitting but it is good that you have realized what you should do next.