A therapist told me to join Al-Anon support group?

[AngTexas]

I am having marital and family problems and sought out a therapist. My therapist told me to seek out an AlAnon group... but I'm not so sure why...

My father drank from the time I can remember, but only like 4-8 beers a night, never went out to party, never hit us (though I was scared he would?)... and my mom NEVER has drank at all. Strict Church of Christ upbringing with her. My Dad didn't go of course. But he did stay home and cook us big ol after-church lunch.

Dad quit drinking at 50ish? Turns out he was self-medicating, he has severe anxiety/depression he now takes meds for... he's 62 now.

Any ideas on why I'd be referred to Al-Anon?

I mean I hated beer as a child, still hate the smell, because of the issues it brought to my house. And my Dad has never hugged me or said I love you, but it's just his nature. Turns out I'm alot like him. But I don't drink.

Thanks! Angie in Dallas! 40 yr old daughter of a recovering alcoholic.

[easternbrain]

You might be referred to that group because of the reason that due to some issues you had at your home you might not be behaving a normal "you" which you ought to be. Probably it is the reason. Its just a guess though.

[AngTexas]

Thanks for your reply...

I did mention to the therapist that I want to know why I seem to have the need to take care of someone, like my significant other... he's bipolar. I seem to seek out people that will need me or need me to take care of them. And I want to know why. I am thinking somehow it's going to be connected to my father being an alcoholic. I got preg at 16 and had my son and all was well, but the therapist my mom made me go to said girls with fathers such as mine make up 75% of teenage/unwed pregnancies (this was in the 80s).

I guess it is all entwined? I'm going to figure it out!
:)

[lpc2b]

would you agree to that? Do you seek out others who are in need of a care taker and do you see yourself in that role? Do you take care of yourself, or do you think of ways to help others? You were probably asked to go to Al-Anon so you could share your experiences growing up and see if you relate to others in a similar situation and learn how to deal wth your own anxieties. Do you have feelings toward your father b.c he used to drink daily. It sounds like he was not a "member" of the family but an outsider who was there. I apologize if I am off - but from reading your blog, that is what it sounded like to me. How is your relationship now that he has stopped drinking? How long sa he been sober?

[easternbrain]

An expression of love is as important as love itself is. Not everybody can understand un-expressed love, be it in any relationship. So when her father did not used to say "I Love You Sweetie" she might have developed a notion of him being an outsider?

What do you think?

[AngTexas]

He and my Mom are still together. She is strict Church of Christ taking us kids to church Sun AM, PM and Wed night. I met my best friend in like 6th grade and am sitting in a cube next to her at work here almost 30 yrs later! :) My dad... he was completely disengaged as far as interacting, but he kept our house nice outside as he made a swing, patio, built in grill, fixed our cars, any appliance, and kept a good and steady job all these years handing over his paycheck to my stay-at-home Mom. Mom paid all the bills. He and Mom would fight over the drinking and if we spilled his beer we'd get in trouble... it eventually came to the point of my mom saying he can't drink in the house (that's when he got real handy with outside projects so he could drink in the garage).

He quit drinking in his 50s about 8 yrs ago? He got treatment for his severe anxiety and depression and they made him quit drinking for the meds. So now he's on Klonopin and Lexapro and is still checked out. If he's home, the computer is his if he wants on it, even if someone is on it, his chair is his and if someone is in it they get up. He doesn't strike up conversation, but is better than he was when we were little. he still never talks to me, the only girl. He is there, but he's not engaged in our lives. AT ALL. This is a prime example of our relationship. Me and mom and dad sitting in the living room... Dad would say something like "Linda (my mom) tell Angela (no one calls me that, it's Angie) to go clean her room" Mom: "Mike she's right there tell her yourself" - - me: I'd get up and just go clean my room. It was weird. If he's home alone and I go to my mom's I get butterflies cuz I don't know how to talk to him. And I'm 40! Go figure.

I do seek out "weird" friends and mates. I think I like feeling more normal than them...? I don't know. Also I am a caretaker by nature (like my Mom), I've been an excellent admin/personal assistant for 23 yrs as I am always there to help with anything - even anticipating bosses needs, so that's one good thing that came out of it.

I got pregnant at 16 - mom grounded me and I had no car or job and she made me go to a therapist - and the therapist my Mom took me to said 85% of teen pregnancies happen when girls are raised by father's like mine. Don't know how to handle men, attention from men, yet crave it. I went on to finish high school, went to secretarial trade school and moved out with my child at 19.

I always put myself last - need clothes and shoes and feel guilty if I buy them. I have been told I have higher standards for myself than anyone around me. I was called Mom in high school b/c I was always the reliable one with lists and planning and bossing. :)

I want a co-partnership with my husband and this has helped open my eyes to alot of things I do! So I have started changing my behavior and can already tell a difference. But it'll be hard to change my way of thinking.

I also am on Prozac and Xanax as I inherited the anxiety/depression disorder in my family. I self medicated with pot. I am the black sheep of my family too as I am alot like my father in the hermit ways he has. I don't enjoy my brothers and their families at get togethers.

My 23 yr old son and his wife and my 2 yr old granddaughter now live with my Mom and Dad (they did the baby before marriage thing too but at age 21). He hates my husband of 2 yrs and judges him b/c he's bipolar. Which is weird b/c my son had SEVERE anxiety attacks/social phobia and depression and was hopsitalized twice for it. He judges people so harshly. After my husbands recent mania spell, I talked to my Mom about it and they have decided he's not good enough for me... so now my son recently gave me an ultimatum to leave my husband or he is "done with me" - so right now we're cooling off before I talk to him... or I'll go off on him for being so judgmental. I can't stand that. Especially judging emotional disorders!!!! After I fought the school board and got his disorder "recognized by the school" as a disabilty allowing him to leave the classroom and go be alone and chill if he had an anxiety attack. He also had asthma and was hospitalized 20+ times from the age of 2 and a 1/2 til 13 when he started outgrowing it.

Hope I answered your questions.
WHEW! Just thinking about my life makes me tired.:eek:

[attagirl]

Did you ask the therepist why they think you should join this group and what they think you might be able to get from attending these meetings. I do not understand why they would refer you to that either unless you cannot afford their services at the theripists office. the only thing I might be able to say about it is maybe they think with all that is going on you might turn to drinking.

[rafael]

They I asked you to join that group because I guess there must be some problem in your behavior and you may not be behaving like a normal person cause of your family issues. You should not be worried about it as it not mental assylam.

[griffin1]

I would have to guess your therapist suspects your father was an alcoholic and maybe sees you as an enabler - someone who without meaning to actually hinders the recovery of others instead of helping. Also, having an alcoholic in the family negatively affects everyone in the family and he may see some issues he feels you need to work on in regards to being the child of an alcoholic. Either way it can't hurt to go and see what they can offer you.

[LW75]

Maybe your family dynamics are similar to the family dynamics of many alcoholics, so maybe your therapist thinks if you sit in on a few meetings you'll get some pointers about what is unhealthy in families. You should just ask the therapist to explain what it is about AA that s/he thinks you can benefit from.

Maybe s/he thinks you'll recognize your father's behavior as full-fledged alcoholism once you hear other people talk about similar drinking patterns? Maybe you'd get to understand alcoholics better, which could help you understand your father's behavior better?

Children emulate traits in their parents that they admire, but it isn't always about traits that their intellect tells them are admirable. Children also tend to equate "grown-up" with the person who has the most power. The scariest person is seen by children as having one type of power, and children are often too immature to see the more positive types of power that adults can have (besides just "who's the scariest").

When a child has a warm, loving, mother who manages to keep things smooth in the house when the father is overbearing, grumpy, and withholding affection from children the children can look at their mother and admire all she does. That kind of admiration comes from their mind, which knows right from wrong. At the same time, their emotions (which are feeling small because they know their father won't share warmth) realize that the father has all the power when it comes to withholding much wanted attention and warmth. Children can equate that power with being a "grown-up". So, they emulate their mother in the traits they see as admirable in her, but they know that in spite of being a wonderful person their mother is pretty much as powerless as they are when it comes to their father. As a result, they don't see their mother as as much of a grown-up as they see their father.

Children can develop the "I just can't wait to be king" kind of thinking, go ahead and having babies early, and believe that they'll get to be the grown-up now. If they find that having a baby isn't enough to make them feel like king they'll go on a sort of "quest" to find a way to "be king" (powerful). That could mean staying around people who aren't as well off mentally or emotionally, or it could mean any number of other things.

I don't know you, and I don't know if any of what I've said applies to you. I just thought I'd mention it in case its at all helpful to anyone.

If you're at all like your father when it comes to withholding affection/love from people then that would explain why your son "couldn't wait to be king" either and why now he's showing signs of wanting to take some control.

I think sometimes people's "issues" aren't always so much about what they didn't get as children but more accurately, what they admired in each parent - and why.

[LW75]

Maybe your family dynamics are similar to the family dynamics of many alcoholics, so maybe your therapist thinks if you sit in on a few meetings you'll get some pointers about what is unhealthy in families. You should just ask the therapist to explain what it is about AA that s/he thinks you can benefit from.

Maybe s/he thinks you'll recognize your father's behavior as full-fledged alcoholism once you hear other people talk about similar drinking patterns? Maybe you'd get to understand alcoholics better, which could help you understand your father's behavior better?

[websurfpro]

I am having marital and family problems and sought out a therapist. My therapist told me to seek out an AlAnon group... but I'm not so sure why...

My father drank from the time I can remember, but only like 4-8 beers a night, never went out to party, never hit us (though I was scared he would?)... and my mom NEVER has drank at all. Strict Church of Christ upbringing with her. My Dad didn't go of course. But he did stay home and cook us big ol after-church lunch.

Dad quit drinking at 50ish? Turns out he was self-medicating, he has severe anxiety/depression he now takes meds for... he's 62 now.

Any ideas on why I'd be referred to Al-Anon?

I mean I hated beer as a child, still hate the smell, because of the issues it brought to my house. And my Dad has never hugged me or said I love you, but it's just his nature. Turns out I'm alot like him. But I don't drink.

Thanks! Angie in Dallas! 40 yr old daughter of a recovering alcoholic.

You have been refered to a Alanon group for no reason, i guess it is best to ask your concellor why you have to find such a group, and you should know from the start why he has sent you to these kinds of groups.