Introduction

[HhasMeHooked]

Hi,

I just came to this forum tonight and read a few posts that struck a cord with me. I am a 27 year old heroin addict since 2002 i have battled this drug. I began using casually when i moved to Austin (1999) to go to school some friends from back home came to visit and brought some up to party with we smoked it and had a good time for the next 2 years thats how i did it i only used when i came to visit or when someone came to visit me. I thought i had a handle on it by not getting my own connection(id have to go through a friend so we could keep tabs on each other and not get hooked) well i came to visit and couldn't contact my buddy I'd been with him to score several times and i knew the dealer would recognize me so i went by the dealer's house well he was very welcoming to me and said stop by any time2003... very soon my trips to visit my friends became 1 stop round trips from Austin to Houston. But i still managed to keep them to every other week or so. I wasn't physically addicted, yet.But did have my first overdose during these round trips, also during this time I got busted for hashish and was given pretrial diversion where i was subject to tox screens at any time but its a government run program so i knew most holidays they were closed so on most holidays i used. Made it through my year of this as a model student and at the same time I Graduated from the university and planned on attending grad school in Houston2004 Within a month of moving back i was using daily, for a while i could balance this but my habit grew and grew not long it was up to $150-200/day. Pawned all my stuff ran up several thousand dollars in credit card and bad checks, started methadone in(nov2004)just because i couldn't afford smack and couldn't handle my sickness. Now i have a clinic bill and a dope habit so i began shoplifting and got arrested in march 2005, took a year of probation after a few months of court procedures and such i was given a p.o. to check in with and in July i gave him my first urine screen immediately leaving his office i went to score and not having done smack in about 3 months I had an overdose luckily my wife was home she called 911 and I was rushed away in an ambulance. Well i staid off dope the rest of my probation, but how do you think i celebrated my completion, yep i scored more dope and with in a two week period i was hooked more so than ever before this leads us up to my current situation I am on the wonderful drug subxone that has given me my life back and i have moved about 40 mins from the city and since i live with in walking distance to work i sold my car to make it difficult to get dope, but i have caved my dealer called me wondering where i have been and offered to drive out to me on saturdays when she doesn't have to fight traffic i have for the last three weeks allowed her to bring this awful poison to me. the first week i bought 1/2g the second i got 1 and last weekend 1.5g
Some one please i really want to stop and know better how can i convince myself i have died two times and that is no deterrent loosing all my stuff, being 10s of thousands of dollars in debt wont give me the power to say no to this. The best i can get is 6, 8 maybe 12 months clean what can some one like me do it remain clean? Thanks for your help and just putting this down for some one to read almost makes me feel a little better.

RPM

[HhasMeHooked]

Well I'm surprised that no one said anything to me the forum seems pretty active. They say relapse is part of recovery, tonight i am finishing up a 7 day binge and I feel so guilty and embarrassed. Tomorrow is my nephew's birthday party he'll be a year old and I have to go to my sister's house which is why i feel so awkward and guilty. This is because she has gone out of her way to help me fight my addiction, so in a way I've let her and myself down. I pray that this is the only detour in my road of recovery. Should I tell her tomorrow during the party that i went off course or should I let her enjoy her youngest son's birthday? I guess tomorrow we'll see what happens

[addiction recovery coach]

Hi there,
I just joined this forum and saw your post! I have been clean for 15 years now. One thing I have learned is that it is possible for a person to add up clean time, through various methods. Not always by any certain rules or programs....
In my mind, it doesn't matter how you came to sobriety....what matters is what you do once you get there. You mentioned you have had times when you were clean....yet haven't been able to continue past a certain length... What were you doing once the fog cleared? What were you involved with? Did you have support? Were you on your own?
We become addicts by using repetitiously, and we also become clean repetitiously....by putting a minute together with another minute...until you get an hour, and then maybe another hour, and so on until you have twenty four hours...until you have a couple of twenty four hours, and then a few twenty four hours...etc..
Something has to change in the thinking....we think in a repetitious way as well... what is the pattern of thought that leads you closer to your addiction and farther from your goals? What thought can you have to turn that all around? One that will move you towards your goals, and farther from your addiction?
Where are you spiritually? Drugs and alcohol disconnect us. How important is spirituality to you? What can you do, where can you go, if in fact you wish some spiritual healing?
I trust that you know without a doubt what you want and don't want, I trust without a doubt that you are resourceful enough to know which way to go!
I trust and believe that even though you may feel completely and utterly broken right now, you are whole and complete within!
I trust that the love and light I am sending you here in this will reach you and touch your inner knowing and your inner believing in yourself and your resources within your reach at this moment to move towards your dreams and goals right now!
~Coach

[exjunky]

Hey bro

This forum isn't terribly busy... I post and come back the next day to see if there is a reponse. But we're out here.

You write: The best i can get is 6, 8 maybe 12 months clean what can some one like me do it remain clean?

Well for starters it could be worse. You can get 8 months clean?? Many junkies can't string together 8 clean HOURS much less 8 clean days. So your problem isn't quitting per se, it's staying clean. That's good, that means your better off than most.

When you relapse, what kind of situation do you find yourself in? For example I am clean almost 3 months now, but if the homies were selling heroin "stamps" outside my front door, I never would have made it. But I don't live in a neighborhood like that.

So maybe you should consider changing your situation. Imagine if you lived in Alaska, or Montana, where would you find dope then? You might not need to go live in the frozen north to get away from dope, it might just require you to move across town.

[websurfpro]

This forum has great members and i think they do their best to support people that have different kind of addictions.

[HhasMeHooked]

I didnt say anything to my sister. She asked and i lied. Before my recent slip up i was clean for a few months, I had a nice job but i made a mistake at work and my foreman fired me and this im sure hasnt helped my spiral. thanks for your replies i'll post more when i have more time to do so

[exjunky]

Sometimes lying the right thing to do. If you tell them the truth, it will break their heart, and they won't be able to help you anyhow. So why break their heart over nothing?

It's different if the person you are lying to is in a position to help you. Don't lie to your doctor, and married couples usually should not lie to each other.

That's all just my personal opinion, of course I am quite a sinner so maybe I should not be handing out moral advice. But that is how I see it.

[ShunRudig]

Hey bro

This forum isn't terribly busy... I post and come back the next day to see if there is a reponse. But we're out here.

You write: The best i can get is 6, 8 maybe 12 months clean what can some one like me do it remain clean?

Well for starters it could be worse. You can get 8 months clean?? Many junkies can't string together 8 clean HOURS much less 8 clean days. So your problem isn't quitting per se, it's staying clean. That's good, that means your better off than most.

When you relapse, what kind of situation do you find yourself in? For example I am clean almost 3 months now, but if the homies were selling heroin "stamps" outside my front door, I never would have made it. But I don't live in a neighborhood like that.

So maybe you should consider changing your situation. Imagine if you lived in Alaska, or Montana, where would you find dope then? You might not need to go live in the frozen north to get away from dope, it might just require you to move across town.
The geographic solution doesn't work! Just get back in there and keep reaching for sobriety. Do you have a good sponsor. Have you done a thorough 4th step? Have you made honest and meaningful ammends?