help me...this might be my last chance

[killab]

My name is Brendan. I am writing you to tell you that i am a drug addict and i really need help. I have made multiple attempts to quit using my drug of choice (heroin - i know it sounds bad) and after being clean for almost a month, now i have been using for the past 2 months and i'm almost back to where i was when i was at rock bottom. Lying to my parents, laying to my friends, putting on a mask to everyone who would look down on me if they ever knew i was a drug addict. Deep inside i want to stop, but its just not that easy. Im crying sitting here writing this because i just want a way out. I went to rehab (twice) but it didnt do much. Tried methadone and suboxone (opiate replacement therapy) and no luck. I just want to know if it will ever end. When i started using again i had the attitude "moderation is the key".....that was a load of bullshit. I dont think that will work. I even had a good girlfriend and thats what kept me clean for a little while....well that didnt last too long either.

I just want some help. Something that will work. Yeah i know i probably need more treatment and support, but i'm at a point that i'm afraid if i fall back to the bottom i might never get up again. The bad depression just started to set in recently and i just got news that my parents might seperate. This didnt help at all. Im afraid to tell my friends because im afraid they will look down on me and just look at me as a junkie. Im a really good person with a really good heart. Im smart, funny, and have a lot to offer to the world. I just need help with this. Dont know where to turn. Im afraid i dont have much time left because this might be my last. I know i wont get up if i fall this time.

Any words of encouragement will help.

[exjunky]

Nobody can make you quit but you.

When I hear people say that methadone or suboxone didn't work, what I imagine is somebody who doesn't really want to get clean. They look at the methadone as an inferior sustitute for what they really want, which is heroin. That's not the attitude to take. You have to want to be clean of heroin, and see the methadone/suboxone as a way to achieve that goal. Of course you won't enjoy the high as much as with diesel ... you're not supposed to!!

There's an old saying that a junky has to hit rock bottom before they go clean. I really hope that you don't have to do that, it's so much easier to quit before things get that bad. Believe me when I tell you that it will get worse than anything you've seen thus far. You have recognize dope as a prison and try to escape like a convict tunneling out of the jailhouse.

Another thing -- it's OK if you went clean and then relapsed. Not everybody does it the first time around. So anyhow if you stumble, you just have to get back on that horse. Wait a minute, bad choice of words ... ;-)

[websurfpro]

Killab just trust your self , be strong and focus on your quit, recovery from drug addiction is difficult but not impossible, you know you can do it , just prepare for it , and one day you will laugh back at your stupid heroin addiction.

[t90smo]

Back when I was using I recall being sick (no Drugs to be had) . I'd say to my self "self" this is a good time to STOP yeah who was I kidding myself and my family. I missed 4+ years because I was off in the world of drugs. I went from having m home , cars, boats, etc... to stealing cars, breaking into homes, prostitution, Id be here all day...But it was bad I lived from hotel to car to outside with my son 3 years old (once in a while he would spend time at his Grandpas)Im suprised no one took him from me He was all I had. One thing I learned the friends at the time of my using were not my friends, because my real friends all left my life. They didnt want any part of the life I was living. And my so called NEW friends were ones that either needed something from me or I needed something from them. we knew nothing of each other. When I QUIT for real. I looked at my husband at the time user (who I divorced later). I grabbed my son at the moment I just walked out to the highway thank god 1st car picked s up my husband was calling he came out if he would have caught us.....I came back to my home town 45 miles away, (very long story) got away from anyone that used. I got one a methodone maintance program program. which was a 40 mile drive . To tell you since you have been on Methodone you know how bad I was If I stated at 145 Mil. of Methodone. (for some reson I want to say 170) 24+ years ago sorry. I feel that every one has their own time that they know its time to stop , and you Need to do what ever it takes to make you stop work. In my case. It was a Police Drug unit Sargent, pulled me aside on the road I was dope sick. I dont know if the police do this all the time or what but it saved my life and my sons , He gave me $300.00 he he said Look you need to take this money and get on a program , or take the money and do what ever BUT IF Thats what you do the NEXT time I see you I WILL TAKE YOUR SON AWAY FROM YOU< and that was one thing I was not willing to give up even for a day. and so here I sit today . sorry my story is so very long. I was raped, I was strangled, (they gave me a green river case # at that time) and I still kept using.... so only you know what has to be done , there are so many people willing to listen but you have to want to.