Codependancy: how do you get over it?

[Mahdiya]

After I realized that all my relations had been destructive because I was codependent, I told myself I will never make the same mistake again! (haha, like after every relation!) I also came to understand that codependency goes very far beyond the man-woman relationship. I 'inherited' it from my mother (who stayed by my fathers' side although he was emotionally abusive and on alcohol and pills), and I was probably unconsciously passing it on to my children as well. Also it's in the way that I behave myself: I love to give to charity more than is financially possible, I am 'the slave of my children' (as my sister put it!) and when I am worn out and have nothing more to give, I want to be pitied by others in return. And if they don't, they must be cold and heartless people. My mother was not only to good for my father, but also too good to me and my sister. We didn't have to do anything in the household, up to when we left the house (and I left when I was around twenty)! She also never got angry when we, on very rare occasions, did something wrong. She said that she just felt sad, and that made us regret our mistake even more.
So, on the whole, I know I have to stop mixing love and pity and I am just trying to do that. I hope that realizing I am codependent is already the cure. Because I can see what I'm doing wrong now.
But how do I fall in love with somebody without problems? I just cannot picture it! Somebody who is fine, who actually doesn't need me? I cannot understand. And I fear I'm going to be a very heartless person if I stop pitying little kids in Africa and not send them money anymore. What is a person without pity? My new life should be without mistakes, but all I can see is a blank. I don't know how to fill it in without my codependent thoughts. Has anybody got a clue?

[attagirl]

Realizing that you are co-depend is half the battle. You have admitted it and now you have to make sure that you do things for you and not just the people around you. You are not obligated to take care of anyone other than your family and only to the point in which you keep food on the table, roof over their heads, and make sure they are getting the education that will help them through life. That is all you are not bound to buy them everything they want (how little they may ask). You need to pamper yourself and take care of you, because if you are not taken care you cannot help those others in your home.

[Mahdiya]

hello Attagirl,
I understand what you are saying, but it's actually more difficult than you think. I have difficulty determining where my boundaries are. It's also difficult to analyze how I feel, so I look for reference to other people.
For instance when my three kids were still small, I felt really tired all the time. And then, at a wedding-party I met this amazing lady who had six kids and she was even pregnant with her seventh. Still she looked gorgeous and seemed to be doing fine. So there I was asking myself: why can't I do what she does? I cannot be tired with three kids if she has six and is even pregnant? I told myself: you better get your act together, because if she can pull it off, so can you!
And a while ago, when I had a low income, I sometimes cried, because there was never enough money to have a little outing or extra clothing. Nothing for the small extras that makes life pleasant. Then somebody said to me I acted like a spoilt kid, because there were people living on less than I had, who never complained. And then, again because I am not good in sorting out my feelings, I cannot find any justification anymore for my behaviour and decide I should set the same borders as those other, uncomplaining people.
It's also difficult for me to deny my children something. If I do, it will bring tears to their eyes and I will instantly have pity on them. I know that when I feel sad, the greatest comfort on earth is to be pitied in return. So I know, when they are crying, what they are craving for, and I give in. Not all the time, but most of the time.
However, I have made some progress. I have forced myself to spend some money on perfume, lotions and cream and clothing for myself. Because I always think that after every bill is paid, and after my children have what they wanted, then I can have what's left for myself. But guess what? Every month I keep saying: next month! So I knew that if I wanted to make space for myself, this was the way to create it.
I hope, that in the future I can make some more progress. The better I can analyze my emotions, the easier it will get, I guess.

[jnjsarauer]

I believe therapy is beneficial in breaking a pattern of codependant behavior. In our own family, my stepkids' mom, who is a wonderful woman, is afraid to speak up when they do wrong because she has a fear of them getting angry and abandoning her. She recognizes the problem but doesn't know how to deal with it, so therapy will be the next step for her. I wish her, and everyone else struggling with this problem, a successful recovery.