helpmedecide
01-02-2008, 04:37 AM
Here is the story of a 27 year old man, who thought he had everything together. Right now: I am a homeowner , have a well paying job and drive a nice car. But it wasn’t always like this. I used to be a broke 21 year old making $9/hr. I do not know if my problems stem from personal problems, drug problems or a little of both. That’s what I need help deciding.
For clarification as to why I was on xanax: I was NOT diagnosed with bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or any of that stuff. I was diagnosed by several doctors as having just generalized anxiety disorder. I have been to several therapists over the years since 19 years old. All they did was drug me with Zoloft, paxil, lexapro. You name the SSRI, I tried it and nothing work.
When I was 19 I was prescribed xanax for anxiety. I began abusing right away. By the age of 23 I was still on it and abusing it heavily. Taking 3 or 4 at a time and drinking on top of it (mostly just on the weekends). Eventually, taking 6-8mg a day was nothing for me. I would mix it with hydrocodone I got from a buddy on some occasions. I used to drive messed up, go to work messed up etc. I even snorted it a few times and even used to sell it too for a brief period. Once I sold some and had to buy it back because I was so addicted. II did this and it got really bad during a 6month period. I am lucky I didn’t kill someone or myself while on the road
I ended up in the hospital in 2004 (when I was 24) from becoming addicted. Well what happened was I went through withdrawal while in a car and had a massive seizure, resisted cops at the scene. I woke up handcuffed to the hospital bed, in leg shackles too, with a gag over my mouth (spitting on nurses apparently). I do not remember any of this. They thought I was on PCP at the hospital. That was rock bottom, and it took me a year to get off of the stuff
When I bought and moved into my house in 2006 I was clean. But then I started partying with one of the neighbors. He and I raided the medicine cabinet one night and took everything we could find, including xanax and drank on top of this. That next day, I left my house for work. When I got home, the front door was wide open. I thought someone broke in and stole all my stuff. Well I was so messed up, that I realized I had never closed the door behind me. That day, all the pills were flushed down the toilet
Last 2 years or so things have been great, partly because I have become a loaner. But I havent touched the stuff. I stay away from friends, public places which may cause anxiety and stay away from WOMEN. Yes, I barely go on dates even though I am told im a good looking guy a lot. It’s the only way I feel stable (staying to myself in seclusion). But that is no way to live life. I feel like the woman parts leads to abuse sometimes
These past 3 months::
My life is:
Wake up, put on a smile to my boss all day and speak properly
Go home, stay to myself and my cats. Watch lots of movies, don’t leave the house.
Go home and think about how I’m almost 28, not married and not even dating. I feel like I have so many problems and they all get compounded when I am stressed/depressed/anxious. I start looking at myself from under a microscope and find all kinds of things wrong with me. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I sometimes fear going out. And times like these I need an escape
I finally met a really nice girl and we have our first date Friday. Guess what? I began abusing again this week. I am really nervous. I snorted some xanax tonight and felt really bad about it. Am I destined for this fate?
Maybe I am making all this sound worst than it really is. I am a business professional and make good money. When I was really abusing xanax, I was making $9/hr and poor. I do not even know how I scored the job I have now. I feel like I have everyone fooled (i have no college degree yet have this job) I thought getting a good job would help me get everything together. It worked for a while but I like getting mesed up to drown out the other feelings. Being calm isn’t enough, I need to go beyond.
I don’t know what I really feel, I am confused. I felt proud for overcoming my past issues, but now it seems I am starting to repeat them. Any other addicts chime in? I don’t know if Im an addict again yet, just used it twice so far since then
For clarification as to why I was on xanax: I was NOT diagnosed with bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or any of that stuff. I was diagnosed by several doctors as having just generalized anxiety disorder. I have been to several therapists over the years since 19 years old. All they did was drug me with Zoloft, paxil, lexapro. You name the SSRI, I tried it and nothing work.
When I was 19 I was prescribed xanax for anxiety. I began abusing right away. By the age of 23 I was still on it and abusing it heavily. Taking 3 or 4 at a time and drinking on top of it (mostly just on the weekends). Eventually, taking 6-8mg a day was nothing for me. I would mix it with hydrocodone I got from a buddy on some occasions. I used to drive messed up, go to work messed up etc. I even snorted it a few times and even used to sell it too for a brief period. Once I sold some and had to buy it back because I was so addicted. II did this and it got really bad during a 6month period. I am lucky I didn’t kill someone or myself while on the road
I ended up in the hospital in 2004 (when I was 24) from becoming addicted. Well what happened was I went through withdrawal while in a car and had a massive seizure, resisted cops at the scene. I woke up handcuffed to the hospital bed, in leg shackles too, with a gag over my mouth (spitting on nurses apparently). I do not remember any of this. They thought I was on PCP at the hospital. That was rock bottom, and it took me a year to get off of the stuff
When I bought and moved into my house in 2006 I was clean. But then I started partying with one of the neighbors. He and I raided the medicine cabinet one night and took everything we could find, including xanax and drank on top of this. That next day, I left my house for work. When I got home, the front door was wide open. I thought someone broke in and stole all my stuff. Well I was so messed up, that I realized I had never closed the door behind me. That day, all the pills were flushed down the toilet
Last 2 years or so things have been great, partly because I have become a loaner. But I havent touched the stuff. I stay away from friends, public places which may cause anxiety and stay away from WOMEN. Yes, I barely go on dates even though I am told im a good looking guy a lot. It’s the only way I feel stable (staying to myself in seclusion). But that is no way to live life. I feel like the woman parts leads to abuse sometimes
These past 3 months::
My life is:
Wake up, put on a smile to my boss all day and speak properly
Go home, stay to myself and my cats. Watch lots of movies, don’t leave the house.
Go home and think about how I’m almost 28, not married and not even dating. I feel like I have so many problems and they all get compounded when I am stressed/depressed/anxious. I start looking at myself from under a microscope and find all kinds of things wrong with me. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I sometimes fear going out. And times like these I need an escape
I finally met a really nice girl and we have our first date Friday. Guess what? I began abusing again this week. I am really nervous. I snorted some xanax tonight and felt really bad about it. Am I destined for this fate?
Maybe I am making all this sound worst than it really is. I am a business professional and make good money. When I was really abusing xanax, I was making $9/hr and poor. I do not even know how I scored the job I have now. I feel like I have everyone fooled (i have no college degree yet have this job) I thought getting a good job would help me get everything together. It worked for a while but I like getting mesed up to drown out the other feelings. Being calm isn’t enough, I need to go beyond.
I don’t know what I really feel, I am confused. I felt proud for overcoming my past issues, but now it seems I am starting to repeat them. Any other addicts chime in? I don’t know if Im an addict again yet, just used it twice so far since then