Temper Tantrums

[Misunderstood]

As a small child, I often had public temper tantrums- usually resulting from a perceived failure that I took to mean that I was worthless.

Then, as a teenager and young adult, I hid my tantrums from others, choosing instead to verbally abuse myself in private.

Now, as an adult who has had several relationships and is now married, I find my tantrums coming back, but it is different than just beating up on myself. Usually, it results from a conversation with my wife. The tension builds inside of me as I try to open myself and share what I am feeling- usually feelings related to codependency, which are completely foreign to her. From my perspective, she's not even trying to understand me, but I don't outwardly display my frustration. It then culminates when I say something like "I feel completely worthless" and she says "no"- meaning no, you're not completely worthless. But, I take it to mean, "No, you don't FEEL like you're completely worthless." I then explode, never hurting her, but I have broken objects on occassion.

I have told her that the one thing that I need from her, as the most intimate person in my life, is that she understand how I feel, or at the very least, try to understand me and validate my feelings. In my opinion, she has done none of these things. I know that she loves me and that she wants me to get better, so it is not out of malice, or even lack of desire. In a sense, I have manipulated the situation so that I have now made her responsible for my tantrums (How many times have I told you that the one thing I need most from you is that you understand how I feel???). Obviously, not a good thing.

Here's the real kicker regarding the tantrums. I can see them coming on, yet feel unable to stop them from happening. I often have this feeling during normal (non tantrum) arguments as well. I say something that is hurtful to my wife when what I really want to say, "I'm sorry. I love you." For some reason those words can't cross my lips until after I have cooled off.

If anyone has any similar experiences or any thoughts on my situation, I welcome the comments.

[StillHaveHope]

I too feel something similar to what you are describing.

The good thing is that you know and understand where these "temper tantrums" all stem from.
You said that what you need from her is that she understand and validate your feelings.
This may be a whole lot more difficult than you think.
First, I know in my situation, growing up in an alcoholic/addict family I too have tantrums and lots of issues steming from my past that still come out to this day. At first, I got angry that my boyfriend of 4 years could not understanf where this rage, pain, hurt, worthless hopeless feelings were coming from or why I was acting like such a witch. I then in turn got angry at him because he couldnt "understand and validate" my feelings.
He cames from a "normal" family. He has never had to deal with the issues that I did growing up which already makes it hard for him to understand even though he tries.
I then figured out, I dont need anyone to validate the feelings I am having, they are my feelings, I own them. My father always use to say that feeligns are not right nor wrong, they just are. I firmly beleive this.
I think the best thing you could do is focus on yourself. Maybe try therapy if your not against that. It is helped me quite a bit.
It's funny, most people take for granted that they know and understand who they are or why they are feeling a certain way.
When it comes to adult children of alcoholics and addicts, or any other situation where neglect and abuse were involved, from my personal experience anyways, we almost shut ourselves down to ourselves. I guess it is a defence mechanism, but it is detrimental to our relationships with others and ourselves. Taking time to work on you and discover what issues you need to work on and what makes you tick, would make a huge difference in your life I think.
Acknowledging you have a problem is alwas the first step! :)

Good luck and god bless!

[StillHaveHope]

One more thing, open up to your wife. Let her in on your feelings, and how you hold things in until they just come out all at once. Help her understand your feelings and through those you. I am sure she wants to help, which in this case would be supporting you to better yourself and overcome past daemons.

[Misunderstood]

Still Have Hope-

Thanks for sharing- it helps to know that someone actually HAS felt the way I feel instead of just reading it in a Janet Wolitz book. As you probably guessed I come from a dysfunctional family. Raised by an alcoholic single mother, I have a whole slew of ACoA issues from my mom (who is also an ACoA, but doesn't know it), and then abandonment issues from my parents divorce.

I have a question regarding one thing you said- that you figured out that no one else needs to validate your feelings. On a rational level, I understand this, but my low self esteem prevents me from applying it on an emotional level. I find that this is often the case for me. I have a little training in counseling, so I often know how I would advise someone in my situation, but I have no idea how to actually make that advice work.

If you have any advice on how to take this knowledge and use it to help abate my rage, I will be eternally indebted to you. :D

[StillHaveHope]

When I finally found out that there were other people feeling the same way I do I was releived as well. It always helps to know your not the only one out there. Which is one reason why Al-Anon was put together "to share their experience, strength and hope".
It's funny that you say you know how you would councel other people in how to deal with their problems while not sure how to do that in your own life.
I am great at advising people on their problems as well. Funny how when it comes to your own life you seem not to know what to do.
usually that is because your emotionally tied to the situation and it often helps to have an unbiased outsiders point of view.
Which is why I suggested counceling. It can really be a huge help and open your eyes to things in your own life that you never realized before.
I wish there was something that I could suggest that would make this easy or have a fast solution, but unfortunatly with most thigns that is not the case.
It takes time to overcome those daemons from your past and get to know your real self again. Even harder to try to "relearn" how to see yourself and deal with situations in a new way.

You said that on a rational level you understand that you don't need someone to validate your feelings but your low self esteem inhibits you from putting that into action.
Maybe working on your self esteem and self worth would be a good stepping stone for you to start your self evaluation.

I do not have any counceling training to look back on and tell you how to do this or the best way to go about it, I only have my personal experience to go by.
For me, the combination of Al-Anon, counceling, meditation and some deep self evaluation along with my daily morning god letters have helped me along the way though I am still far from where I would like to be.
You may even want to think about taking an anger management class.

Also,
Having an open conversation with your wife to explain how your feeling, why, and all the other things you keep inside will help her understand what your going through more and probably help you not feel so resentful towards her.

I really hope this helps you.

[StillHaveHope]

I just re read your first post, in there you said that you can feel the "tantrums" coming on but feel like you cannot stop it.
Maybe at this point you can tell your wife how your feeling and let her know your going to go for a walk, or take a drive to cool yourself down before hurtful words are said and arguments start. It might help to tone it down a bit so you can go back when you cool of and try to explain what happened calmly .....

[Misunderstood]

Yeah, it's about time to go back to therapy. The first time was unproductive in my opinion, but I've had a year to try it on my own, and it's not working. I'll have to be more specific with my new therapist about what I want to get out of the sessions.

Luckily for me, my wife is amazing, and although she often doesn't know what it is that I need from her, she continues to stand by me and even went out and bought a codependency book so that she could start to understand what it is I'm going through.

There aren't really a lot of resources where I live, in fact the only group I can find is AA, and I'm a little put off by their approach since it seems to focus so much on God and faith. If there was an ACoA meeting in my area, I might be willing to put up with it for the opportunity to be with people in the same situation as me. I guess if nothing else works (therapy, self-help books), I may have no other choice than AA.

Thanks for all the advice.

[StillHaveHope]

It may be neccesary to go to a few therapists until you find one that fits you and your needs. If you feel like your not getting to what needs to be addressed after the first 3 sessions or so, discuss that with them and see what you both can do to get on the same page.

Your very lucky to have your wife as a support system. I would even possibly suggest having her go online to look into ACOA herself, it may be helpful to her as well to attend a meeting either in person or online to help her through it as well. They have meetings at www.12stepforums.net. I would try there first but if you google acoa or alanon meetings, or acoa meetings online it will give you a list of the ones either in your area or chats they have on a weekly basis. There is also www.adultchildren.org which has materials that may help and more explanations of what they are and what they do.

You also said that you has a problem with the religion side of it.
You don't have to be religious or beleive in "god" as long as you realize that there is a "power greater than yourself" in the world. For you that could be god, meditation, your family or a teacup if you so choose. It's saying that your not all powerful, there are forces greater than you at work in the world and it is not up to you to solve everyones problems nor do you have the power to. It's accepting your limitations as a human being and understanding your powerless in some situations. If you go to the websites I provided they will probably be able to explain it better.
They have an option on the adultchildren.org to order the ACOA workbook and text that will be able to help you along the way. I definatly would try a meeting though.
Just like it helped to know there was someone else out there that had experienced "temper tantrums" it will help to know there are others out there seeking the same healing, and some who have been through it for a while that will be able to identify with you and help along the way. A sponsor would also be great.

I wish you the best of luck, if you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.