slim123
02-13-2008, 02:40 AM
I have a big problem,
it started over 4 years ago when I started using heroin....long story short I've been using almost everyday since with periods where I would just stop, suck up the pain and be done with it. I would start again just for the purpose of fun. The main reason I liked the drug was the getting it part. I won't go into details but I loved the rush and thrill of what I chose to do just to get it. I put myself in very crazy situations to get it, but I was like this before the drug. Heroin was mainly used by me to calm my possessed mind. I'm extremely rash and fearless. I was actually able to keep a job longer than I ever had in my life while I was on heroin which the people who now know about my use don't seem to understand. Same goes with school...I was never able to focus or even attend in class and now I was getting good grades and staying the whole semester. Whatever to that though, I don't use it as an excuse to use, I'm learning to just do this shit on my own. It's a big problem but this isn't the issue I have. It's not the problem of not being able to function in society without. I was never actually addicted....as long as I did the physical pain is always a joke to me....I can careless about such little things. I am in no denial about this either...urges and withdrawals aren't a force to convince me to do something. I don't like when people control me and I don't let anything else control me....thats a problem in itself...but thats another story. It's the way everyone in my life has reacted to this....and this makes me want to have a problem. Sitting in NA and AA meetings makes me think about drugs. Thinking about my girlfriend being so far away from me now because I detoxed again so far from home makes me want to do drugs. People telling me I have a problem with drugs when I don't even think about them when I don't want to is making me want to do drugs not that I ever will again. It could even be subconsciously making a real problem inside my head that I don't need. Even when I go out I could easily score again and I have been blatently offered by one man and even under all this bullshit and wanting to spite them all by using...I politely said no thanks. The fact that all the family is keeping my girlfriend from talking to me, making her break her promises of calling and visiting, and telling her we're not right for each other is putting my mind back into the devil's lair. I have a lot of control when it comes to this stuff. My stubborn personality is enough to prove people wrong and keep me clean on my own...thats just the type of person I am. But my girlfriend and these forced meetings and all the people around me trying to make me admit to something I'm not. The only reason I even agreed to this is because my girlfriend (who I knew would be convinced) told me to go. I would always listen to her just like I was almost always honest with her. I feel this is the worst mistake of my life and now I'm stranded 3000 miles from home and from my own sanity. I have kept my demons under control and staying. I'm putting up with all this anyway even though I know I shouldn't but I'm trying to prove to myself I'm mentally stronger than anyone realizes. What the fuck am I suppose to do?
it started over 4 years ago when I started using heroin....long story short I've been using almost everyday since with periods where I would just stop, suck up the pain and be done with it. I would start again just for the purpose of fun. The main reason I liked the drug was the getting it part. I won't go into details but I loved the rush and thrill of what I chose to do just to get it. I put myself in very crazy situations to get it, but I was like this before the drug. Heroin was mainly used by me to calm my possessed mind. I'm extremely rash and fearless. I was actually able to keep a job longer than I ever had in my life while I was on heroin which the people who now know about my use don't seem to understand. Same goes with school...I was never able to focus or even attend in class and now I was getting good grades and staying the whole semester. Whatever to that though, I don't use it as an excuse to use, I'm learning to just do this shit on my own. It's a big problem but this isn't the issue I have. It's not the problem of not being able to function in society without. I was never actually addicted....as long as I did the physical pain is always a joke to me....I can careless about such little things. I am in no denial about this either...urges and withdrawals aren't a force to convince me to do something. I don't like when people control me and I don't let anything else control me....thats a problem in itself...but thats another story. It's the way everyone in my life has reacted to this....and this makes me want to have a problem. Sitting in NA and AA meetings makes me think about drugs. Thinking about my girlfriend being so far away from me now because I detoxed again so far from home makes me want to do drugs. People telling me I have a problem with drugs when I don't even think about them when I don't want to is making me want to do drugs not that I ever will again. It could even be subconsciously making a real problem inside my head that I don't need. Even when I go out I could easily score again and I have been blatently offered by one man and even under all this bullshit and wanting to spite them all by using...I politely said no thanks. The fact that all the family is keeping my girlfriend from talking to me, making her break her promises of calling and visiting, and telling her we're not right for each other is putting my mind back into the devil's lair. I have a lot of control when it comes to this stuff. My stubborn personality is enough to prove people wrong and keep me clean on my own...thats just the type of person I am. But my girlfriend and these forced meetings and all the people around me trying to make me admit to something I'm not. The only reason I even agreed to this is because my girlfriend (who I knew would be convinced) told me to go. I would always listen to her just like I was almost always honest with her. I feel this is the worst mistake of my life and now I'm stranded 3000 miles from home and from my own sanity. I have kept my demons under control and staying. I'm putting up with all this anyway even though I know I shouldn't but I'm trying to prove to myself I'm mentally stronger than anyone realizes. What the fuck am I suppose to do?