self-hate.

[threeeyedfish]

Hello everyone. Hope you're having a good, clean & sober day. Thank you for reading this.

I'm 26 years old and have struggled with major depression for 9 years. In the past several years, starting with back spasms to the point I couldn't move, I've been dependent/addicted to painkillers. Only in the past few months have I been in treatment for the addiction. (support groups, 1 on 1 counseling)

I recently stole prescription pills from a new friend. I stole from a *friend,* and I hate myself for it. I even stole pills from my own father. Why does addiction make me such a horrible person that deeply hurts the people closest to me? Stealing someone's car seems ridiculous to me, but I can rationalize stealing pills because of my addiction?? How does that happen? Why am I sabotaging my recovery so early? I can't let this put me in a depression again, but how can I NOT loathe myself for my behavior?? I don't deserve to forgive myself for this. :'(

[mztscf]

My husband stole my vicodin after my knee surgery. He said they were lost and I never believed him. Its one of many things he's done to hide yet feed his addiction and I believe he's been addicted for years. He started with pot, then liquor, and after several injuries, hes into the pain meds. oxycodine, fentanol and xanax are the current soup de drugs. He doesn't participate in life. I'll have a party at our house and he will not even come out of the bedroom. Yet, other days, he is driving and out and about. I get the worst of him. We have been married 25 years. He's blown so much of our money buying toys on ebay - thousands each year. I have a good job and work hard, so we still have a house and stuff, but he's been unemployed since Nov 2001. I thank God for the grace he's given me to be strong, but I believe its time to end his damaging himself and our family.

[jamieharper1984]

I am sorry you may not want to hear this but your husband cant help it. You may think he is angry or mad at you or that even he may not love you anymore, the truth is he is angry at and doesnt love himself anymore. i know because I am the same way. The drugs control him. He doesnt want to lie but he has to to get what he needs. He needs help and support and so do I. It is so hard to think something so small like a pill can control your world and tear it down so quickly but it can.:confused: